a year

Funny how i have not posted anything in a year, over a year. So much happens, and stories to be told, but life happens so fast, it's hard to stop and pause and write and elaborate on hours and weeks and months in a matter of sentences. Suppose that's the trick, really. Figure out the best parts, craft a story from that, and that's where heroes come from.

I suppose the last months have taught me that there are people still out there that i can find, that are worth something, that are equals. I thought it all but lost for years, for years and years, that no one would be worthy or good or what I wanted. But my heart softened like warm clay and some great Artist slowly crafts it. And it's troublesome and good and hard and painful and everything ever said.

I suppose it's the cold months when it's the hardest. The need for warmth beside you, the need to feel like someone else somewhere can touch you. But needs and wants are two different things and I refuse to settle for the needs when only wants will suffice, will only wants will fill. It's tough knowing you are and what you want, and finding it, and then having to wait. So tough, but I reckon it's that part of patience we don't get. Why not now? Why can't I feel the way I need to? How much longer must I wait? Is the art of patience in the painting of it, or in the fact that the painting might not ever get done?

We are impatient patients, really. All sick and dying in a world full of hospitals and cures that prolong the inevitable. But it's going to be okay. It's always going to be okay. If the last year has taught me anything, it's that heaven help us and that the sun might still rise tomorrow, and it will fall tonight. And to appreciate and bask in every second in between. To love for just a day, or to live for just a day, just one day, is better than a thousand lifetimes of loneliness and nothingness. And that is where I take hope in my patience, and where I find refuge in my emotions.

We take our moments in amber, our snapshots of perfect lives, the moments where all the positions are right, and we soak it in like exposed film. And I keep it, store it in a box and bring it out on rainy days when I feel like G-d is far away and he doesn't want to hear my prayers anymore.

So we wait for the pause and we wait for the answer and we wait for the dawn and we wait for the yes' and we wait for waiting's sake. And one day those things we won't have to wait on anymore. Amen and the end.